MALFATED QUOTES - PHILOSOPHY

Karl Steiger 24 February 2005

the last... time you screamed?

Aside from singing for the band? I guess it was a few weeks ago, playing the DVD game ‘Atmosfear’. I picked up a ‘Fate’ card or whatever and it said I had to scream at a given time and if people were scared I got a key. I was rubbish, I think I only made one person jump.

the last... novel you read?

I haven’t had much time to read lately with all the band stuff going on but the last book I read was ‘Money’ by Martin Amis. A very, very good book. Did you know his cousin was kidnapped and murdered by Fred West? There’s a Malfated link for you right there, fanboy.

the last... show you attended that wasn’t one of your own?

Shit I don’t know, it’s been a while since I went to a gig. I guess it was Cruxshadows. Hmm no, it was The Mission.... god I don’t know, whichever one of those was the last gig I went to. I think it was The Mission. They had a new album out but they just played a greatest hits show, which is pretty much all they’ve been doing for the past ten years, kind of sad really. They played one new song and the crowd was dead until they played another old one. In contrast, the last time I saw Alice Cooper play live he only played songs off his new album, which at the time was ‘Brutal Planet’, and the crowd went fucking nuts for every song, and so did I, despite never having heard the album before, and Vince has been going like thirty-odd years you know? That’s talent right there. Actually, come to think of it, I think the last show I went to was Cinema Strange.

the last... time you read, saw, or heard something stupid?

Hmm... well I was looking at a profile on myspace.com, it belonged to some woman, quite a cocky character with a load of stuff on her profile and about 5,000 friends on her list, with blogs about how smart and superior she is. I mean, what’s it now, February 2005? Well on her page there was this big fuck-off photograph of her with her friends partying, and above the picture it said “New Year’s Eve, 2005”. Maybe I’m being mean, I don’t know, maybe she zipped back in a time machine or something...

the last... song you wrote?

That would be ‘Mr. Brown Nose’. I wrote it for the forthcoming CD, it’s fucking awesome, best song I’ve written for a while.

the last... time you cried and why?

Recently, over a woman. If I cry it’s usually over a woman. Sad, eh?

the last... thing that made you smile?

Dancing to music videos with my daughter yesterday - she’s five years old.?

the last... thing that gave you the creeps?

I’m not really scared of much to be honest but okay the last time I got a bit freaked would be the other day, I got some scary mail from what you would call a ‘stalker’. She’s not all there in the head, man. Sent me some disturbing, freaky shit that I’d rather not go into.

the last... email you received?

Actually there were a lot of emails when I woke up, there usually are and replying to all of them can be a bit of a bastard, but one that stood out was from a girl saying how The Malfated were her favorite band and getting her through some hard times. Stuff like that is always beautiful, and encourages us to keep going.

the last... time you were stressed out?

Dude, I’m stressed every fucking day, I’m doing the jobs of ten men right now. But I’ll say it was yesterday, I found four trojan horse viruses on my computer and couldn’t get online. That was pretty stressful.

the last... Malfated song you listened to?

A demo of a song called ‘Devil Blue’.

the last... file you downloaded from the Internet?

Latina pornography if I remember correctly. Yes, I’m a man of strong moral character. Actually, when it comes to music the last thing I downloaded was the cover of Adam Ant’s ‘Physical’ that Nine Inch Nails did. My CD was fucked up, so I downloaded it illegally, seeing as I’d already paid for it once.

the last... bar you went to?

The Intrepid Fox on Wardour Street, Soho, in London. Got completely wasted on pints of Snakebite and then met a guy who could well be the new lead guitarist of The Malfated if things go well. I met every single Malfated guitarist while drunk actually, which is kind of scary. Scarier still, I recruited every single one of them on gut instinct without having heard them play.

the last... time you swore?

God man you know I swear all the time [Laughs]. Last time I went to the States I had to try to tone it down because I was offending everyone. Actually [Laughs] tell you something, you know how on American TV you’re not allowed to swear? Well I watched ‘The Breakfast Club’ on TV there and there’s a bit where one guy says “eat my shorts” and the TV channel dubbed it to say “eat my socks”. How fucking stupid is that? [Laughs quite a lot]. The best dubbing I ever heard though was in the UK, years ago they showed one of the ‘Lethal Weapon’ films on ITV, and there’s a bit where Mel Gibson says “fuck you, motherfuckers!” and they dubbed it with some mad cockney voice that said “fun you, motherfunsters!” God the fun never ends does it?

the last... time you laughed?

Just now, you bastard [laughs].

the last... music video you saw that impressed you?

Well, most videos nowadays are shit aren’t they? A band gets a few hundred thousand dollars to do a video and what do they do? Usually just like stand in front of a fucking piano or walk down the street or something. I guess the last video I saw and thought “now, that’s clever” was ‘How Many Times’ by the Insane Clown Posse, which is interesting for a band that most music channels refuse to play. They move toward the camera and fiddle with knobs, no pun intended, like they’re adjusted your screen and it goes all fuzzy and stuff. They’re in some kind of living room and the skinny one, Shaggy, just sits in the background like he doesn’t give a shit, and all these pro wrestlers appear and disappear in the background. At the end the camera moves back to reveal bars and they’re in some sad little exhibition at a carnival. I don’t know, I just thought it was all rather clever.

the last... CD you heard that blew me away?

I’ll say our new one. It’s only half done, and has yet to be mixed, but what I heard... yeah, man, it’s fucking cool. I guess I would say that though. I’ll let people judge for themselves.

the last... thing you’d want to see on a band website?

God, that’s a good question, okay I’ll tell you what I hate. When bands put little member profiles on a site and have stuff like ‘favorite food’ listed. I mean god I might like your songs, or maybe I don’t, but I definitely don’t want to know what you fucking eat. I don’t want to imagine you enjoying “spicy food” or an “egg sandwich” the next time I see you live or listen to your record or meet you at a bar. God man that shit just makes my stomach churn. There’s a time and a place you know? I mean god why don’t they tell us where and when they prefer to shit while they’re at it?

the last... thing that surprised you?

Reading in a newspaper that Billy Joel’s current wife is younger than me. What a cunt.

the last... thing you’d like to be remembered for?

It would be nice if, when I’m dead, at least one person out there will consider me to have been, for a fleeting moment, the greatest Englishman alive. This is a title that was held by John Lennon, and is now held by John Lydon. My name isn’t ‘John’, but I hope one day I will be considered worthy of such a title. We shall see. I might end up a bum, but I hope not.

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